i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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