My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
