I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
