im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
