Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
