singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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