9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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