Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
