plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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