I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
