Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My vagina just recognized that song.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
