Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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