i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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