mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
