Cold hands, warm shart.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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