if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
is wine microwaveable?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
