Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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