I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
