also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
