i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
4 words: hood of his car
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
