Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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