I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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