She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
