it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
