Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize