I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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