Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
