he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
