I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She bit a glass in half.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
