Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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