Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
