Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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