I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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