I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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