He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
