I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
