Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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