Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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