before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
