I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
