They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She just used a chaser for red wine.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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