Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
BRING THE BAGELS
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
