I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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