Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
