I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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