Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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