My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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