My liver just broke up with me...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
