You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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