dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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