i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Drunk walkin through police station. America
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Randomize
