I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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