Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
