Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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