I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
