That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
