Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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