this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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