I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
