he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize