I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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