I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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